The view from the Family Bed is rarely a peaceful one. As is so often the case, Bachmann has made himself a nuisance in The Family Bed once again.
Over the past weeks, since before Thanksgiving, he’s been causing all sorts of trouble for the other Companions and for me. His porky mouth and reckless beaver antics have crossed numerous lines of Family Bed etiquette and socially acceptable behavior. At times, he’s been almost unseemly.
Now, I consider myself to be a very patient, loving, and understanding dachshund. But that beaver is certainly creating a tense, and uncomfortable situation with his conduct.
At first, he was just shooting off his porky mouth. He would taunt some the other Companions and make fun of their various and sundry deficiencies. For example, one afternoon, I heard him jeering at poor, sweet, harmless Ernst.
“Hey, Eggplant!” he was gibing. “How’s about you and I mix it up with a game of Boggle?! You know what’s a four-letter word for stupid?? E-R-N-S-T!”
He was deliberately mocking poor Ernst’s lack of vocabularical prowess. It was sickening. I reprimanded him immediately, but he exhibited not a single shred of remorse.
Another time, I caught him following Candace down her narrow hallway, poking a piece of string cheese between her two feet, trying to trip her. He was making mooing noises and ridiculing her awkward mobility. Disgusting. And even though I took away his electronics privileges and his dessert privileges for a week, the horrible comportment continued.
It all came to a head the other day, when Bachmann decided to make what I can only assume was his Bull Run stand by challenging me to a staring contest. He’s always been so very dramatic.
Now, at first, I didn’t realize what he was doing. I was in the middle of a well-deserved and much-needed nap when the sound of him wheezing through his front teeth roused me.
“Bachmann,” I pleaded, “I’m exhausted. Can’t you go pester someone else for a while? Or better yet, go find something constructive to do – don’t you need to clean your room?”
But he continued to stare at me with those beady little beaver eyes, not saying a word. Which was very unusual, because generally he can’t keep that porky mouth shut.
“Bachmann,” I sighed. “What are you playing at? Can’t you see I’m busy and don’t have time for your shenanigans?”
Still, he continued to challenge me with his bore-like gaze. I began to wonder if he was experiencing a medical situation that was preventing him from speaking or moving … or blinking. Even so, his insubordination could not be tolerated.
“Bachmann,” I warned. “Cut it out. If you continue with this defiant and threatening provocation, you will be sorry. And by sorry, I mean you’re going to end up crying like a little she-beaver. You better knock it off and leave me to my nap.”
Honestly, I gave him every opportunity to retract his confrontation. I offered him multiple activities and constructive ideas as alternatives to this hostility. I entreated him to rethink his folly and each time he refused to back down. He didn’t simply refuse to back down, he grew more and more belligerent.
This is me, setting out to open a can of Whoop-De-Do on Bachmann’s Beaver butt. Note the terror his his expression as he tries to scramble out of the path of my wrath. But his short little beaver feet couldn’t move fast enough to avoid me dealing him a heaping helping of comeuppance.
I worked him over pretty good. I’ll grant him this much … he took the waling I gave him with dignity – for a short minute. Then he started blubbering and crying and apologizing and begging for mercy. It was most satisfying. I even took him back inside the compound so the other Companions could watch. And since Bachmann had been making their lives uncomfortable and difficult for weeks, they were very enthusiastic about the entire affair.
Afterwards, Bachmann slunk off to his room to lick his wounds, while the rest of the Family Bed enjoyed cake and punch courtesy of the Festivity Committee. Overall, it was a lovely end to the day.
It’s been just a few days since what is being referred to around the Bed as ‘The incident’. Bachmann resurfaced just this morning, took his toast and coffee alone in the Commissary and then retreated again to his room. He hasn’t spoken to anyone since his beatdown, but many Companions have reported receiving letters and notes of apology via Inter-Family-Bed mail. So it would seem Bachmann has possibly learned a lesson. Or not. Only time will tell this beaver tale …