Yesterday was my birthday. I got some organic peanut butter biscuits that Mama Dog says I can only have one at a time, and “occasionally.” What a crock. They were a gift and I should be able to help myself whenever I want.
I thought I would also be getting a new Companion for the Family Bed, but I didn’t. In fact, I’ve been hearing whispers that Daddy and Mama Dog think the Family Bed is “getting pretty full.” I think they’re planning a purge. I haven’t shared my concerns with my Companions, as I don’t want to worry them, but I’m pretty concerned. You like to think that in a country like America, this sort of thing would never happen. But it does. And society just turns a blind eye. I’ve lost quite a few friends to this type of “Companion Cleansing.” There was Ted – he was a hyper-active T-Rex with inner ear issues … he just never stopped spinning. But he was a valued member of the Family Bed. Then he was just gone. I mean, sure, he’d lost his squeaker and had a gaping wound in his backside. But he mattered. And Randall the Mallard. He was my only Companion capable of flight. I was planning a trip across the country with him. He disappeared about a year ago and I haven’t seen him since. Mama Dog said he went to Storage. Wherever that is. He hasn’t even sent a post card. I think the only reason Silent Claude has survived the Purge is because he’s so quiet. But it’s probably just a matter of time before they dispose of him, too. So many good friends just gone in the blink of an eye … or the time elapsed during my naps.
I saw Mama Dog looking on the Internet the other day. She said she was ordering a silver polishing cloth and some Oxy-Clean. But I suspect she was actually looking for potential Companions. I don’t know what kind of screening process Amazon has, but so far, they’ve been pretty good in their recommendations. I hope that the addition of a new Companion won’t mean the demise of an old Companion. Maybe I should start stashing them somewhere besides the Family Bed. Or maybe the best solution would just be to get a bigger Family Bed. Then there would be room for all my Companions. You know, that big bed in the Daddy and Mama Dog’s bedroom looks pretty plush … maybe they’ll trade.
In the Beginning Time of the Great Continent Pangaea, a great warrior chieftain, Mickey O’ Ogg ruled over all. Until the continental plates began to shift and separate. O’ Ogg tried to convince his tribe to jump to the larger section of land as it drifted but most were too afraid. And henceforth the mighty nation of Ireland dwindled to a tiny island.
Irish warrior-turned-farmer Aodh Dunne was a legendary sportsman. He held the honor of being the only Irishman ever to swim the River Swilley fully-clothed and while drinking a stout. Each summer, when he held what he called A Tournament of Physical Prowess, his property was overrun with participants from all over the island, eager to prove themselves worthy of the top prize, the Golden Potato. Dunne chose the finest examples from his annual potato crop and gave them as awards to the winners of each event at the Tournament. Along with the lovely potato, the winners would also win the right to call themselves “Master of the Tournament” until the next year’s competition. Events such as the pike toss, heavy-booted foot race, jumping over the sheep and downhill bark sliding proved to be crowd favorites and the winners of these events became instant celebrities.
As word of his Tournament spread to England and then throughout mainland Europe, Dunne began to receive inquiries from foreigners, wishing to pit their strength and ability against the native Irishmen. For several years, Englishmen, Scots, Welshmen, Frenchmen and Italians participated in the Tournament and its popularity continued to grow. Until one year, Greek pike tosser Cleon Toppappatous came to compete. After losing the preliminary round of pike tossing to Scotsman Donlevy MacTavish, Toppappatous returned to Greece bitter and bent on revenge. Rather than train harder to compete again the following year, Cleon went to Greek nobleman and financier Eutychos Grappelotomous and hatched a plan to create a Greek version of the Irish Tournament.
Their scheme involved stealing all of Dunne’s competitors by prohibiting them from participating in both tournaments on the grounds that Dunne was hiring professionals to compete and therefore his competition was unfair. Since the potato, at that time, was a form of Irish currency, they felt it was a just point of order. The Greeks would promise a fair and accurate measure of physical prowess in their tournament by offering simple crowns of laurel to the victors rather than payment. They decided to call their tournament the Olympic Games, after the famous Mt. Olympus – one of the most recognizable landmarks in Greece.
As is evidenced by history’s credit for the creation of the first Olympic Games to Greece, the diabolical plan of two petty Greeks clearly succeeded. And thus passes yet another missed opportunity of historical importance and glory for Ireland.
Too often, I find myself completely caught up in my work. My Companions are so important to me and I tend to measure my own happiness and contentment by their happiness and contentment. Which is unfortunate because some of them are, quite honestly, never happy or content. (Bachmann) Anyway, when I take the time to relax and enjoy some down time, I look for hobbies to fulfill my creativity AND engage my strong intellect. I enjoy crafting and puzzles, couch aerobics (a great way to get my heart rate up & strengthen haunch muscles), and, of course, studying Irish and Viking history. It’s my passion, really. But occasionally, I need a more paws-on type of activity that just allows my mind to drift and clear. Dealing with the kind of troubled Companions that I do – well, I’ll just say that there are a lot of problems in my head to which I must find solutions. Wait – that didn’t come out quite right. What I meant to say is that I have a lot of problems to solve in my head. No, wait. I have a lot problems that I need to use my head to solve. No. I mean, my head is full of problems. Oh, well, fuckle. Those damn Companions are so completely screwed up that I spend all my time thinking of ways to help fix them! It’s exhausting! GAAHHH. So, how do I clear my mind and recharge my spirit?
This is Breakfast in Bed Chewy. Chewy and I like to snuggle while I pour out my troubles to his willing ear. He is a loyal and true friend and one I would likely not be able to continue my good work without. He’s always willing to give me feedback, especially when I’m working on a really difficult case, like – How do I convince Russell that not having a head doesn’t excuse his poor table manners? Or, do I need to get Emrys a Christmas gift, even though I’m pretty sure he’s Jewish? Spending time with Breakfast in Bed Chewy allows me to give the most I can to my other Companions. He’s the most understanding, stalwart, compassionate and flavorful friend I’ve ever known.
A severe cold front has moved into our area. Please be advised that below-freezing temperatures and potentially, freezing rain, will likely hover over the region for the next several days. I have cancelled all Companion field trips and The Family Bed Education, Rehabilitation and Training Center will be closed until spring. The Companions and I would like to remind everyone to please bring your pets indoors while it is so cold. Prepare them hot, protein-heavy meals to boost their internal heating capabilities. Some foods that are known to promote interior pet warmth are meat, broth, warm milk, melted cheese, eggs, coconut oil, bacon, gravy, and hazelnut coffee with heavy cream. Other measures can be taken to keep your pet warm, as well. For instance … you know that hot blanket you put on your own bed to keep warm while you sleep? Well, did it ever occur to you that your dachshund might like to get on in there and warm her haunches, too? Probably not because you’re too selfish and uncaring to ever consider that your poor little Diggy Dog is freezing. She’s not shivering because she’s excited to see you, dummy – she’s shaking to try and generate some warmth so she won’t die! Also, instead of putting your pet outside to do her business, perhaps you should consider getting her some of those really cool puppy pads so she can go inside. After all, you don’t go outside when you have to pee or poop. Well, sometimes you do if there’s already someone in the bathroom and you have to go really bad, but it’s a choice for you, isn’t it? That’s right. Your pet should have a choice, too. Put those pads in the bathroom and let her go when you go … in comfort. I mean, she’s already there in her capacity as Bathroom Supervisor, might as well make it a more efficient use of everyone’s time. Take a minute or two to talk with your pet about how this idea could work for you. Additionally, stop telling your pet how cold it is outside. Trust me, she knows. She knows because you keep shoving her haunchy ass out there and leaving her, even though there’s no way you could not hear her desperate cries from your comfy chair … right by the window. And another thing – maybe you could scoot your butt over and let your poor, cold, weak, helpless dachshund sit beside you in that comfy chair. Under a snuggly blanket. And give her some of that good-smelling hot tea you’re always drinking. Accommodate me! I mean – accommodate your pet! Sharing is important. So. Bring in your pets and keep them warm. And thank you for your support.