Dachshund Chronicles: Chapter 1

Dachshund Chronicles - Roper Lee

AN:  What you need to know about Roper Lee … he was a VERY tense, nervous little dog who was afraid of everything and everyone.  He was oddly preoccupied with his “boys” and spent a lot of time laying on his back displaying them.  He belonged to my brother, didn’t get much in the way of exercise or proper nutrition (too much people food).  He was lightly flamboyant and prone to fashion fads.

The Dachshund Chronicles:  Chapter 1

“Once upon a time, a dynamic and gifted butterscotch dachshund met a tragic end in the land of Doot. Grandma Okinawa, a bitter, evil queen, jealous of his magnetic charisma, brilliant intellect and abundant charm, smote him with a nuclear antibiotic.”

Roper Lee, El Grande Super Supreme Ruler of the Voledom of The Under Dome (and it’s territories) sat in his office this Wednesday afternoon, nibbling on ‘grub rinds’ and telling the story of the rise of The Under Dome to his 3 month old twins, Griff and Taffy.

Sitting on the plush, mohair carpet, the twins listened intently while their father recited the tale of adventure and danger that made up their heritage.

Roper took a sip of mole waters from the crystal tumbler on his desk and continued. “You see, children, Grandma Okinawa had been on a campaign of annihilation for quite some time. She had swell’t me, ruin’t me and she was determined to finish things off and kill’t me.” Roper leaned forward slightly, his voice lowering for dramatic effect. “She had already dispatched my good friend, Ambassador Ringworm, to the great Thereafter.”

The twins looked up at Roper with eager faces. “Tell us more, PaPa!” they begged in unison.

“Well,” said Roper, “Okinawa was crafty and sneaky. She also had many tools of death and destruction at her disposal. One of her most heinous methods of torture was the dreaded ‘Stinky Foot.’ The twins eyes grew round as Roper described his last days on Earth. “The ‘Stinky Foot’ was used to weaken me. It was disguised as a tool of affection, but its actual purpose was to deposit a sinister residue of death on my gleaming pelt. The residue would dull my butterscotch gleam, which of course is my natural defense against sickness and disease. Once my pelt’s gleam was diminished, it was just a matter of time before Okinawa’s nuclear antibiotics did me in.”

Roper paused, ate a few grub rinds and took another careful sip of mole waters. Clearing his throat, he went on. “Once I was kill’t, I don’t remember exactly what happened immediately after, but I do remember my first moments in The Under Dome. It was dark and I was able to tell that I was underground. However, I could still see a bit of light from above ground peeking around the clump of dirt covering my disposal hole. I suppose Okinawa thought she could convince me I was receiving special treatment by being buried in a ‘grave’ with respect or whatever, but really, it was just one more way she could try to destroy me. The ‘grave’ was nothing more than a clump of dirt perched in the driveway and she used her ‘Doot Bus’ to drive back and forth over the top of it, trying to crush me into dust.” Roper stopped here, took a deep, shallow breath, and tried to shake the horror of the memory from his mind.

“I was just laying there, trying to decide what my next step should be, when I heard a strange noise come from behind me. After I regained consciousness, I was in a large room and there were several unusually small, hairy creatures peering at me through tiny slitted eyes. I was to learn that they were voles and I had been deposited into their realm.”

Roper leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes and rubbed his paws together thoughtfully. “Yes, children, I was to learn a great many things over the next few weeks. I had been given the greatest gift, which was to be my best revenge against Okinawa – – survival and success.”

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