In all my years of study and scholarly pursuits, I have yet to find a satisfactory explanation for the existence of cats. Or fat-free cheese.
Truth be told, I’ve really never understood the human fascination with fat-free anything. As any dachshund can tell you, the flavor is in the fat. And if there’s no flavor … well, I’d probably eat it anyway, but I’d enjoy it much more if it was full of fatty goodness.
You know, cats don’t have a lot of fat. It’s a little known fact that cat meat is very lean. Not that I’ve ever eaten a cat. But I hear things. And my Buffalo Spirit Guide used to have a cat named Chauncey and she told me that he was the stringy-est, most non-fat animal in her menagerie. And I believe her because, well, she’s a Spirit Guide and they don’t lie. So maybe there’s some kind of correlation between the purpose-less-ness of cats and fat-free cheese. It only makes sense, doesn’t it?
Let’s examine the facts, shall we? 1. Fat-free cheese is not real cheese. Fact. 2. Cats are lean. Fact. (My exhaustive research has sussed out that 83.6% of the cats I’ve seen on Facebook or other social media are approximately 12.6 pounds or less. I’d consider that to be quite lean, and seeing as how I am a mere 15 pounds myself, I know something about being lean. But since we’re talking about lean cats and their fake-osity rather than svelte, haunchy dachshunds who are obviously real, we’ll put that aside for the moment) Therefore, I would postulate that lean cats are not, in fact, real. Furthermore, since it’s been well-established through a series of rigorous tests that all cats are lean … well, the obvious conclusion we come to is that all cats are not real.
Now, the real question becomes are lean cats not real cats? Or (and this is where my superior deductive skills come into play) are lean cats not real cheese? Ha! I believe now we have the basis for a solid debate, my friends.
I’m already writing my speech for the Nobel committee. Or perhaps the Book Prize awards ceremony. Or the USDA. Maybe even the Grammys. It’s such an intriguing discussion for every aspect of society. Just remember, you read it here first. Or perhaps I should just be quietly content knowing I’ve sparked what could be the most important conversation in decades? After all, I’m a modest dachshund – not a glory hound.
Ah. Well. After such deep thinking, I believe it’s time for me to take a nap. But before I go, I’d like to reiterate that I have never, will never, and do not currently support eating cat meat. Or any other fat-free food. Like fat-free cheese. Although they could be one in the same. Good day, and thank you for your support.