Well. Clearly I have been absent from the blog for some time. I wish I had a good excuse, but the truth is that my humans are just selfish, selfish people who do not consider my needs, or the needs of my subscribers. I apologize, dear readers, for the terrible loss you’ve suffered at the hands of my humans. Let me explain how they are responsible for the lack of posts on my blog of late …
First of all, that Big Kid – the one we call Lunky – started playing some game called football. Now, I distinctly remember hearing him say that this wasn’t something he wanted to do, but Daddy Dog said he was going to do it anyway and there was some big brouhaha about it. Anyway, now Lunky is doing this football thing in a town 90 miles from where we live and Mama Dog or Daddy Dog has to take him 3 days a week, plus every single weekend, to practices and games and such. Of course they don’t invite me along … typical — leave your faithful and long-suffering dachshund at home while you galavant around America. pfft
Additionally, the two Sissies (made up of The Little Blonde Girl & The Little Brown-Haired Girl) joined some kind of competitive dance team. Mama Dog or Daddy Dog (or sometimes even Grandma and Grandpa) have to take them to practices in another town, which means an extra two days every week when no one is home. Oh sure, they leave a lamp on for me and sometimes they make sure I have fresh water before they disappear. But precious little time is spent seeing to the comfort of the Household Supervisor. It’s insulting.
The past few weeks, Mama Dog has been especially absent – again, without my permission – as she tends to her duties as what she calls ‘Prairie Flower Color Mama’. Now. I have absolutely no idea what this is, but she’s pretty wound up about it. In fact, this morning, when Bachmann returned from his early morning swim through the water lines and told me that he’d accidentally caused a leak somewhere in the system … well, I wasn’t surprised when Mama Dog started having a meltdown after discovering there was no water. She was ranting and raving about having to wash some ‘Prairie Flower’ costumes and how they had to be done today and now there wasn’t any water. It was quite something. I thought it best not to mention Bachmann’s inadvertent involvement in her dilemma – no sense in making her even more upset. But I have to wonder about her sanity at this point, as most prairie flowers I’ve seen in the wild aren’t wearing synthetics …
Without so much as a ‘by your leave’, Daddy Dog left abruptly right after lunch to go do some farm thing or another. I tried to go with him but he rudely shoved me aside with his foot and shut the door in my snout. Have you ever?! I know! I just don’t think there’s any excuse for that kind of behavior. He’s still not back as I hurriedly type this update – a fact that hasn’t endeared him to me, as even though he didn’t have time to take me with him on this trip – this morning he managed to find enough time to drag me out into the yard and douse me with some sort of “anti-fungal” powder like a common criminal getting a lice treatment. It was embarrassing and wouldn’t you know it that Bachmann had lined up several members of the Family Bed to watch my humiliation. They’ve been making fun of me all afternoon and I’m going to have some serious work to do with each of them when classes resume in the morning. My point is that even when there was an excellent opportunity presented to him, for Daddy Dog to spend quality time with me, working on the farm together … he betrayed me.
Now when Daddy Dog and Mama Dog leave me at home alone, they turn on a light but don’t leave the television on for me to watch while they are gone. They no longer leave the door to the laundry/mud room open, either. And I’m not allowed to go into the bedrooms or bathroom in the back part of the house unless I’m supervised by an adult. And they turn off the WiFi when they leave. Can you imagine the indignation? As Household Supervisor I should require no supervision in my own household. But due to a few unfortunate incidents involving some vegetable scraps, a few pay-per-view movies, a home video that accidentally got uploaded to YouTube, and that really shocking bathroom trash situation a few months ago, Bachmann has managed to destroy the trust I enjoyed from my humans just a short while ago. That porky beaver does nothing but make trouble! Somehow, Daddy Dog got the idea (and managed to convince Mama Dog) that I was jealous of being left alone so much and lashed out. They think I’m the one who perpetrated these heinous acts of domestic vandalism! I know, gentle readers, I am as shocked and dismayed by this lack of trust as you are.
The point of all this, friends, is to assure you that I am not leaving the blogging world. I am, however, going to have to restore order to my household, even if it means doing something drastic. I don’t know what that will be at this time. I do remember that after Bachmann got into the garden scraps bucket and ate all those radish scraps that made me so sick I threw up all over Mama Dog’s new white rug in the family room … well, she got pretty attentive to me right then. Maybe Bachmann should do something like that again. I mean, after all, it’s for the good of the family. We need to spend more time together and I need them to be here at home so we can do that. It’s for the children. Also, I need to be able to have Internet access again if I’m to keep up with my demands as a blogger/life coach/screen writer/Dachshund activist.
So. That’s my plan to bring my family home again. As always, thank you for your support.