Friends, you simply cannot imagine how harrowing and difficult the past few weeks have been for me. And so I will tell you, in great detail.
I was born in the Gulag, to a poor peasant dachshund. In spite of my humble – impoverished, even – circumstances, I overcame my indigence to become the successful entrepreneur and dachshund rights activist that I am today. But it wasn’t easy. There were many obstacles and hurdles placed in my way, by those who resented my ambition and even those who claimed to love me.
Eight years ago, I was adopted by Daddy and Mama Dog. They brought me to live with them in their run down shack in the middle of nowhere. While my new surroundings were only slightly better than the gulag, I was at least part of a loving, caring family … or so I believed.
The entrance to our hovel is impeded by a fragmented pile of ruptured concrete, which my family refers to as “a porch.” Daddy Dog has staunchly refused to repair this death trap – he believes, apparently, that it will serve as a deterrent to unwanted salesmen and wheeled robots. Over the years there have been numerous injuries stemming from this dangerous assemblage of mutilated rock. Mama Dog fell once and her injuries almost resulted in the amputation of both legs. And still, Daddy Dog did nothing. Negligence is what I call it, but … whatever.
Which brings me to my current condition …
A few weeks ago, I was outside, doing my dog chores. I had checked in (verbally) with all the “damn gophers,” and conducted a thorough physical examination of all their communications portals. As it was a sunny day, I spent a little extra time recharging my haunches and enjoying the warmth of a particularly potent sunbeam. It was quite restorative and lovely. Because it had been almost a week since my last mandatory ablution, I had built up a substantial musky veil and I was exquisitely pungent. I felt powerful and robust. Invincible. My fey instincts should have warned me that menace lurked in the shadows … but they must have been dampened by the days’ solar emanation. Or maybe I was just sleepy. In any event, I was unsuspecting of the impending calamity.
Later that evening, I prepared for my nighttime retirement. I had taken a fairly substantial pre-bedtime nap and was looking forward to settling in with my cookie and the new issue of “Noveau Viking Cuisine.” The Big Kid began his silliness … dragging me out of The Family Bed and trying to sweet-talk me into going out into the dark, frigid night for one last constitution of the day. I went, against my better judgment. I did my business – we don’t need to go into detail about that. I announced my readiness to come back into the house. The Big Kid ignored me. I cried out again – it was cold and I was quickly losing core temperature. Finally, he came slowly out to free me from my shackles. I sprinted toward the door. I leaped onto “the porch,” and suddenly … I felt a wrenching, agonizing, excruciating pain in my foot. My rear passenger-side foot had become wedged in one of the deep chasms riddling the mass of debris. I let out a wail of distress. The Big Kid was unsympathetic – he insisted I quit lollygagging and get in the house. I cried out, trying to communicate my pain to him, but he was impatient and unmoved. Finally, in a final attempt to gain his attention, I barked out one last groaning bellow. He belatedly knelt to see what was troubling me and discovered my predicament.
Gentle readers, the pain from this incident was beyond unbearable. Panic began to set in as the Big Kid clumsily tried to free me from my bondage. He wiggled and yanked and tore at my limb until I thought I was going to black out from the torment. At last, he called for Daddy and Mama Dog, who came slowly, grumbling about my inconvenience and inconsiderate temperament. When they realized that I was injured, they instantly became solicitous – no doubt in an attempt to avoid litigation.
Daddy Dog was able to wrench my foot loose and I was free to move. Unsurprisingly, no one offered me medical attention, nor did they offer to carry me to bed. They immediately went back to their television program, leaving me to limp painfully to my cold, solitary room where one tiny cookie waited.
I passed the night in terrible discomfort, alone, unloved and betrayed by the family who was supposed to be my support system. I was distressed to say the least.
The next morning, after Bachmann witnessed me limping into my office in the Family Bed, he suggested that we might be able to seek legal justice for my suffering. I gave him a small retainer and told him to get to work on a case.
Now, Bachmann isn’t really a very good lawyer, but he does work cheap. Even so, he was able to determine that because my family doesn’t actually own the shanty where we live, I cannot sue them to recover medical expenses, nor can I seek punitive damages for my pain and suffering from them directly. However, Bachmann also determined that I can seek legal recourse from the landowners … which, as luck would have it, include Tootsie Wootsie – my human grandparents’ chubby, yippy, silly, insufferable faux-dachshund. Well, isn’t that just a big basket of day old toast? Ha, ha, ha.
Unfortunately, while he works cheap, Bachmann is terribly undependable. And just as we were beginning to build a strong case against Tootsie, he absconded with my retainer and fled to the hinterlands of the Little Nokasippi wilderness to pan for gold with his childhood friend, Arlo. I haven’t heard from him in days.
Left in the lurch, so to speak, I was unsure how to proceed until Hobart the Holiday Hedgehog came to see me two days ago with an interesting proposal. Apparently, he has spent quite a bit of time clerking for Bachmann and felt that he could handle my case on his own. He had put together some notes on a plan of attack, and after looking them over, I felt confident that he could do at least as good a job as that no account beaver. I hired him on the spot.
Hobart enlisted Ernst to clerk for him and to be assistant counsel. While his verbal communication skills are lacking in almost every way, Ernst actually has quite a keen legal mind. Hobart set him to work researching case law and precedent. And after I provided him with a wide-button keyboard, Ernst was able to write several briefs and file multiple motions against Tootsie, who has evidently decided to represent herself in court.
This morning, during our consult, Hobart informed me that he has secured Judge Molly Mae – a very wise, fair-minded half breed who lives in the neighborhood – to oversee the court proceedings. And he also mentioned that he’s hired Raoul the Raccoon as an investigator, to see what other dirt (besides being a slum lord) he can dig up on Tootsie.
I am trying to heal, both physically and emotionally. The pain, though … the deep, deep pain is with me all the time. Some of my Companions have sent cards and notes of well wishing, though I suspect they are secretly happy to have a hiatus in their training regimens. I have consumed many cups of bone broth, prepared for me lovingly by my Mama Dog, who saw the error of her callous treatment and is now working hard to make amends. Daddy Dog has still not fixed the gaping maw in the “porch” and I am forced to try and maneuver around the mocking fissure every time I have to go number 1 or number 2. I am considering naming him as an accessory in my lawsuit, especially after a humiliating incident this morning.
I was deeply cold and tired and Daddy Dog’s fat haunch had taken up the entire seat of the comfy couch that was in a strong sunbeam. I needed the restorative power of that sunbeam to help me heal on a cellular level, which he well knew. But not only would he not move over and make room for me, he would not reach down and offer me any assistance, instead choosing to make me attempt a dangerous jump that very well could have exacerbated my injury. And when I was unable to make the jump from floor to furniture … he laughed at me. Cruelly. Fuckler. So. We’ll see if he’s laughing so hard when I slap him with a subpoena and name him as a co-defendant in this suit. Won’t we?
This is a photo of the crevasse that almost claimed my limb and very possibly my life. Notice the dark, evil vortex shafting down into who-knows-where. Can’t you feel the malevolence oozing from it’s depths? I certainly can.
Here is a close up … (Warning: This photo is not suitable for children) It’s TERRIFYING, isn’t it??
I will keep you posted, dear readers, on the status of my legal struggle, as well as my journey back to health. I know the road will be long and arduous and I do ask for your thoughts and well wishes. Donations to my legal fund can be sent in care of this blog to: Justice for Georgie, PO Box 123, Family Bed, postal code 56789. I look forward to speaking to you again from a stronger and more vigorous status. And as always, I thank you for your support.
